Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Regrets, I've had a few...

Last night I got my Wellesley alumnae magazine. It’s usually pretty interesting, and I like reading the class notes in the back. Occasionally it makes me feel like a loser, when there’s a write-up on someone who is a lawyer working for human rights, or someone else from my class who had an idea, got a grant, and helped 30,000 women in India get better access to healthcare. Meanwhile, I…uh…wrote a really good renewal email last week?

But last night was different. Last night I was struck by this longing to be able to do college over as the person I am now. I was such a scared little mouse most of the time I was in college. I made amazing friends. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change that for anything. But I was so involved in figuring out who I was as opposed to who my parents told me I should be and I was so insecure and so depressed for at least half the time I was in school that I really think I missed out on a lot of the benefits of college – educational and otherwise.

I didn’t get to know any of my professors well. I know I missed out there. I had some great professors, Linda Miller, Joel Krieger, and Peter Fergusson for example. I know they had a lot to offer and I wish had gotten to know them better. I got decent grades, but mostly undistinguished B’s. If I’d had more confidence, and a stronger sense of self, it would have been so different! Now I’d be one of those women who always has something to say, instead of the girl hoping the professor won’t call on her. And while I can’t say that I enjoy public speaking, I’d be able to give a presentation without being on the verge of puking or passing out. I’m sure you get much better grades when you aren’t green and shaking like a leaf while discussing Bernini’s portrait busts. I got involved here and there, but I never really committed to anything. Well, I’m still not much of a joiner, so I can’t say that would be different. But who knows? I’m more confident about what I like and want to do now. I did join a book club for a while. I do wish I had done a semester abroad. But I was a little crazy my junior year. I’m not sure if unstable in a foreign country would have been the best idea.

It’s not that I miss college. I love my job, and my life now. This isn’t some sort of nostalgia thing. I do not miss being up at 3 am trying to get a paper done. I don’t miss being required to take classes I don’t care about. Pascal anyone? Do they even use Pascal anymore? Although Jules and I did write a kick-ass “Choose Your Own Adventure” game for our final project. And we did get a ride home from campus po after finishing said project in the computer lab at 4 am when they had a keg in the trunk. Sadly, they did not share the keg. But I digress.

What will I do about this longing? Well, what can I do? Not much. And you could argue that the experience I had in college contributed to who I am today, so it's not like I wasted my time or anything. Perhaps, grad school...but not right now.

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